I am usually a New Year’s Resolution junkie.
As soon as Halloween rolls around I start anticipating all the ways I am going to improve my self and my life come January 1.
But this year, not so much.
This year, each time I came across another article claiming to make this the year that I stick to my resolutions I felt annoyed rather than inspired.
Annoyed at what?
At the idea that I have that I need to be fixed somehow.
I turn 50 in July and the thought of spending yet another year trying to “improve” myself just leaves me feeling a little nauseous. A little sad. And a lot uninspired.
I love what Pema Chodron says:
“But loving-kindness ~maitri~ towards ourselves doesn’t mean getting rid of anything. Maitri means that we can still be crazy, we can still be angry. We can still be timid or jealous or full of feelings of unworthiness. Meditation practice isn’t about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It’s about befriending who we are already.”
Befriending who I already am. Embracing who I already am.
Those are my intentions for this, my fiftieth year.
Befriending and embracing who I already am.
The me with the extra pounds and beautifully flabby belly.
The me who is committed to her writing and some days just wants to veg in front of the TV.
The me who drinks green juices before yoga and has a couple of glasses of wine at dinner.
The me who tries to walk a mindful path and still takes things personally, loses her temper periodically and harbors grudges she knows she needs to let go of.
I didn’t even stay up to watch the ball drop last night. I embraced the fact that I felt a little crappy and just wanted to hunker down in my pajamas and watch “thirtysomething” all night. I was in bed by 11:00.
It was perfect.
I woke up this morning not hungover and with this sweeping sense of freedom. Freedom from demanding so much from myself.
Freedom from constantly trying to fix myself.
Freedom from yet another list of tasks and goals designed to improve my life yet that always left me feeling less than.
Here’s to 2015—a year of embracing all of me.
A year of befriending who I already am.
Of seeing and being my most authentic, luminous self.