I’ve written for fifty days in a row.
I’ve meditated for thirty-five.
How do I know this? I am keeping track. Each day that I write, I make a red “x” on the dry erase board in my office. The app, “Insight Timer” keeps track of the days I meditate, alerting me of each upcoming milestone as well as the ones achieved.
I am proud of each “x” I am able to make, of each milestone I reach. But.
But there is this lingering fear, just beneath the surface that I will blow it. And soon.
I mean, I always have in the past.
See, I am not much of follow-through type of person. I start stories but don’t finish them. Or I finish them but don’t submit them. Or I meditate for several weeks in a row then one day I don’t and it’s hard to start again.
I’ve met me. This is how I roll.
So, each day that I show up to my writing and meditation practice is a win but there’s also this voice whispering, “Huh, how long do you really think this is gonna last?”
The truth is, I don’t know.
What I do know is this: Each day I have a choice to make and that is all I need to focus on. Will I write today? Will I meditate today?
Writer and teacher, Ron Carlson, has said that we need to make each day a yes or no day. Choose, one or the other. Maybe days will kill you.
I get that. Maybe days leave me in limbo. They make me think what I choose is out of my control. Maybe I’ll write if I’m inspired or I figure out how that scene ends or if I have time.
The truth is, showing up is totally in my control. And that is reassuring since not many things are.
So, am I positive I will show up tomorrow or the next day or still be showing up next year? Of course not.
But I am sure that the choice is mine.