Onward!

happy Birthday to Me!

Image found via Pinterest.

I don’t know what this coming years holds and I am learning to get comfortable with that.

I don’t know if I will drink alcohol or not. I don’t know if I will make peace with drinking or not drinking or not.

I don’t know if I will finally say “Fuck it” to all the diets and food rules and truly mean it or if I will still be stuck on this crazy rollercoaster of restricting and judging and trying to find peace instead of actually finding it.

I don’t know if I will find an agent or be published or land that writing residency.

What I do know is that I will keep showing up to all of those areas and all the nooks and crannies of my life.

I do know that I will let myself down, feel ashamed and guilty when I do and then I will find the compassion to pick myself back up and continue onward.

I do know that writing every day has become so intricately woven into who I am that I will continue to write under all circumstances—a lesson from Natalie Goldberg that I have finally absorbed deep into my bones.

I do know that showing up is non-negotiable.

Showing up to my relationships.

Showing up to my writing.

Showing up to my creativity.

Showing up to my body.

Showing up to my yoga practice, and teaching practice and students.

Showing up up my meditation practice.

Showing up to my Self.

I do know that not knowing and continuing on is part of this human experience.

So, I may not know what this 55th cycle around the sun has in store but I do know that I plan to dive deep into the juicy, messy, perfectly imperfect, beautifully rich and complicated heart of this life I am so grateful to be living.

Onward!

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Birthday Reflection #5: Energy Over Age.

Birthday reflection #5

I love this quote from this amazing woman!

Age not energy dictates the quality of my life.

After our 16-day trip through Europe, my daughter pointed out that I probably couldn’t have done this five or six years ago, which coincides perfectly with when I committed to a yoga practice.

Since then, my practice has helped me to heal from and come back stronger than ever after hurting my low back. It has given me strength in my body but also in my mind and spirit.

Before yoga, when I would be away from home, I’d often find myself having anxiety attacks in the middle of the night. I was worried about that on our trip. I had one, but barely. I think it was mostly due to sheer exhaustion by that point but I slept a solid 10 hours , took it easy the next day, kept up with my writing, meditation and yoga and was fine.

My energy comes from within.

It comes from living my yoga off the mat, practicing all eight limbs.

It comes from taking care of my body and listening to it.

It comes from stoking the light within me and using it to help others find their own light.

It comes from being true to myself.

It comes from, as Liz Gilbert says, embracing the glorious mess that I am.

glorious mess

Birthday Reflection #2: A Woman Who.

Megan RAPINO

Birthday Reflection #2

I love this photo of Megan Rapinoe.

She is a woman who is unapologetic about who she is.

A woman who is unafraid to take up space in the world.

A woman who uses her voice.

A woman who stands in her truth.

A woman who stands in her power.

A woman who owns her victories.

She is a woman who lifts other women up.

She is woman who stands firmly and fiercely in her light and invites everyone around her to do the same.

As I continue to grow older and to grow + heal and I hope to be as fierce as Megan Rapinoe.

 

 

Birthday Reflection #1: With Each Passing Year.

Birthday 1

In honor of my birthday week, I am going to post something for the next seven days. I don’t know if there will be a theme or if a theme will emerge. (One probably will.) I just want to write what I am drawn to as I end this particular journey around the sun.

With each passing year I feel layers of who I used to be crumbling into ashes at my feet. I step into and through those ashes, leaving footprints of where I have been, where I am and where I am going.

With each passing year, I find myself getting more and more comfortable with my own company, so different from the girl and young woman I used to be, never wanting to be alone with myself, with my thoughts, never really clear on who I was or who I wanted to be.

With each passing year I find more clarity on who I am as all these pages and words and images and stories spill from my fingertips, from my heart, from my breath, allowing me to unearth what lies beneath the shame, the pain, the fear, the false stories that have taken up residence in my mind.

With each passing year, it is easier to discern truth from those false stories. It is easier to catch myself when those lies begin to take shape. It is easier to then let them go before they take root.

With each passing year, I find myself more at peace no matter what is going on around me or what chaos is swirling within me. I am able to find a path in between both spaces so I am not swept away.

With each passing year, I find myself standing more firmly in my truth, more firmly in voice. I find myself more comfortable taking up space in the world.

With each passing year, I am able to hold my heart with a fierce tenderness that allows me to step out into the world and hold space for more women to do the same.