My quiet center doesn’t feel quiet or centered today.
It feels loud, vague and off-center.
Lets face it. It’s me. I feel off. Out of focus. Tired.
Tired of the news. The lies. The gaslighting. The gross incompetence and greed.
Tired of not knowing. Tired having my routine and the security as I knew it to be pulled out from under me and now being left to sift through the debris, building a new kind of routine and life with what is left.
I’m tired of trying to be inspiring. Trying to find the light, the hope, the lesson, the message.
I’m tired of seeing the calendar notices pop up on my phone reminding me when I would usually teach, not knowing when I will teach yoga in person again.
I’m tired of trying to always to do my best and stick to a routine and healing rhythm when today I barely have the strength to hold this pen.
I’m just tired.
Tired of seeing family and friends only through screens.
Tried of trying to do the right things like meditate and and yoga and write and walk and move and yet still feeling shitty.
Tired of not trusting that this will all work out. Tired of worrying about money and bills and insurance.
Tired of clenching my jaw until it aches.
Tired of cleaning the house and wiping down all the most touched surfaces. Tired of all the cooking, all the dishes, all the laundry. Tired of the grocery store not having what we need.
Tired of worrying that a cough or sneeze or lethargy is not just allergies but the virus.
Tired of being tired of all of it.
Tired of feeling guilty because we are better off than so many.
Tired of writing about how tired I am when I haven’t done enough to make me tired.
I think I need to rest. Just let it all be for now. Don’t try to change or fix or heal or inspire. Just make some lunch. Watch some TV. Maybe take the dogs for a walk. Soak in the hot tub.
This is a trauma we are all experiencing. Trauma is exhausting. It’s okay to do nothing.
I don’t have to find clarity.
I don’t have to be present.
I’m allowed to check out.
I’m allowed to not know.
I’m allowed to be tired.
So, for now, I’m to let myself be tired.
I’m going to just let myself be.